If the world needs anything right now, it’s yet another blog. Brought to you by the makers of the electronic scissors and Riverdance, comes…new…blog-o…thingy. If you’re wearing diapers, you might want to go ahead and put on a fresh pair, cause shit’s gonna get crazy and you don’t want to be unprepared. If you’re going Commando, I recommend knocking out the man next to you in the plane, putting his chapeau back on his cabaza to make it look like he’s sleeping, jumping out of one of the wheelwells at 200 mph and doing a duck dive into the reeds off the runway. If you’re lucky, you won’t crack your sports watch in the fall cause you’ll need that to time how long it’s going to take Alyssa Milano to star in another soft core lesbian film.
A little bit about your engineer on what’s sure to be a train wreck of Amtrak-ian proportions. I come from a troupe of traveling freakshow carnies that I eventually learned to call “Mi Familia.” Over the years we became quite famous in Azerbaijan (sp?) and throughout the Bible-Belt. My speciality before leaving for culinary school was juggling flaming chainsaws and wrestling a giant circus bear my sister and I affectionately called Patches (she was the Bearded Lady, still kinda…is). That all tragically ended when an elephant sat on my surrogate mother and father, Goose Woman and Mandango respectively.
For three years I rode the rails challenging Lee Marvin for the coveted title of the Emperor of the North. One sunny day while the two of us shared a turkey sub we had swiped from one of the sleeping hobos, an errant sledgehammer flew through the air and hit him on the head, inducing a wicked case of vertigo, and causing him to fall under the train where he was promptly converted into ground chuck. Poor bastard never saw it coming…but I did! Got the video too if you want to buy it, $29.95 plus shipping and handling. He was a like a father to me, a father that had never been swallowed by a giant carnival elephant ass.
Ok, I think that’s quite enough for the first post, I bid you good day.
